The Spirit of ThanksGIVING

Several months ago, I wrote the following after attending the funeral of one of my good friends. She died after a not-long-enough-but-way-too-long battle with cancer. During this time my entire neighborhood and even my own family members had been riddled with hardships. I had 4 different friends who were battling cancer at the same time (One passed away just a few weeks afterwards), my sister was recovering after an induced coma after too many near-death battles with her own auto-immune disease, 2 of my friends were going through bitter and heartbreaking divorces, I had countless friends who were unemployed or had to take jobs in other states to be able to provide for their families. But through all of this, it was as if my own family was blessed with little or no problems of our own.
Here is what I wrote:

(April 12, 2011)

"I have a picture forever imprinted in my mind of an empty chapel. The lights dimmed and a slight scent of flowers in the air. Dozens of used tissues littered the floor and benches, a physical reminder of the tears that were shed there that day. I know that life is eternal and we will see our loved ones again- but sometimes that's just not enough to stay the tears. Today I miss my friend... 



In the April 2010 LDS General Conference, Elder Donald L. Hallstrom said:

"In the most difficult circumstances of life, there is only one source of peace. The Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, extends his grace with the invitation, 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' (Matthew 11:28) He further promises, 'My peace I give unto you: Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. ' (John 14:27)

Unfortunately this is hard to realize until those most difficult circumstances arise. And then we have a choice: To realize it.. or to ignore it.  Every day in my neighborhood I see people making the best of very difficult situations (Unemployment, death of loved ones, divorce, chronic illnesses and more). It is heartbreaking- but then I see neighbors, friends and family pouring out love and support.. and I'm reminded that we ARE God's hands  and sometimes it is through us that He is able to give that peace.

Perhaps for this reason God blesses some while heaping trials upon others- so we can all have a turn helping our neighbors and sharing our blessings. I am truly grateful for my own trials that I've been through. It helps me to put my life into perspective. It has helped me to truly empathize with my friends that are currently going through trials of their own. But more, it has helped me to feel true gratitude for the "minor" trials I face each day.

"Because I have been given much I too must give... "

I know I'm not immune to hardships at this point in my life. Just because my life was hard once, doesn't mean that it won't be again. But in the meantime I am blessed. And I will continue to do all that I can to ease the burdens of my friends and family. Life is a gift and a blessing... and I hope that at the end of my days I can be proud of the way that I've used this precious gift.

Yes, I miss my friend. And my heart aches  for those she's left behind. But I know that she's dancing with the angels and she's got a smile on her face. She is free of pain and suffering and she can be proud of the way she lived her life. Her memory is precious and perfect. She will forever be beautiful and sweet and kind."

Just three months after I wrote this, my own world started to crumble around me. I began to despair and went through a lot of searching, pondering, and praying just trying to keep my head above water. I had a lot to learn about faith apparently because I was suddenly in the middle of the most intense lesson I'd ever experienced. I went days without being able to see straight due to my constantly "watery" eyes and I was so completely stressed that I couldn't eat or sleep.

I remember one evening a couple of months ago... I had been babysitting for a friend all that day and then afterwords made three dinners. One for my family, one for a friend who had just had a baby, and one for a friend who was trying to avoid bed-rest with her own pregnancy.

While I was out delivering the dinners with my children my husband returned home from work. He met me at the door and I all but collapsed into his arms near-tears trying to relate all of the stress of the day. He shook his head at me, and said, "This is ridiculous! Somebody should be watching our kids and bringing us dinner. You can't keep doing this!"

I took a deep breath and calmed down a bit... then I realized that the one time during the last week that I'd felt even remotely okay was when I was out delivering those meals to my friends. I had become so wrapped up in our own hardships that this was the first time in weeks that I'd even ventured to cook for somebody else... and yes that includes my own family! I can't imagine what my poor husband was going through. This was as much his trial as mine and yet he had to go to work and function everyday and come home to pick up all my pieces.
My trial is not yet over but I've learned at least two things so far:

1. God is ever mindful of our needs but sometimes it takes action on our part as well for us to get the help that we need. While I've long had an almost self-righteous attitude of being able to take care of myself, I really needed to learn to humble myself and ask for help. That doesn't make me less of a person but instead gives me new insight and empathy to be aware of the needs around me. This allows me to even better be able to serve my neighbors with a thankful heart.  I'm embarrassed to say that it took several months of pain before it finally dawned on me that I'd never asked for help... Once I asked for the help that I needed, I had several people sincerely (even those I'd not expected) offer to help in any way that they could. It was humbling. I will forever be gracious for those who are acting as God's Hands on my behalf.

2. I am truly happiest when I am in turn serving others. And in my case I mean literally serving others. I love to cook for people! At the moment it is beyond my capacity to do some of the other things that I truly wish I could do to help others. Instead of beating myself up over the things I wish I could do, but can't, I need to focus on the things that can be done. There are plenty of ways within my current ability to brighten the lives of those around me. I am hoping that by continuing this blog I will in a very small way be able to
 help enrich the lives of others.

Yes, I share this with you all as an explanation of where I've been these last few months. But I also, and more importantly, wanted a venue to share with you my thankful heart. Thank you for humoring me! My life is truly blessed and no matter what trials I may face in this life, though it may be difficult, I know that with the Savior's love I can endure them all.

God bless you and have a happy ThanksGIVING!